Insane in the Membrane

By: Daryl | March 14th, 2009

As you may have read, the Newcastle manager (that’s me) is in love with his new tactics.

The same tactics that have so far delivered two draws and a defeat to a previously winning team.

Some of the less kind newspaper editorials that I’ve made up in my head are suggesting that I’m insane. To prove that I’m only borderline insane, I thouht I’d share a bit more about these new tactics, and why I’m so sold on them:

Here’s what the chalkboard looks like when I show it to my team:

Not too shabby with the chalk, am I? Knew you’d be impressed.

And here are the orders they get:

The key is that while the main approach is attacking, with quick, direct passing and width, the defenders are a little more… sensible.

The two central defenders are set to a defensive mentality with mixed passing, while the fullback are deliberately run of the mill. Everything is mixed and/or normal.

Meanwhile the defensive mid (usually Camacho) has as a defensive mentality (hence the phrase defensive mid), mixed passing, and lots of through balls. He’s got “mixed” forward runs (so he’s not rooted to the spot) but very little creative freedom (to keep some shape).

Further forward, the wingers are attacking. They make forward runs, they dribble a lot. But then they get back in position. Those guys have to run their asses off. But it’s OK, because they’re all very handsomely rewarded for their mileage.

The attacking mid (usually Diego) is told to dribble a lot, and has a free role. It’s on his shoulders to make it happen. If there’s no Diego, then Skjelbred, Marquinhos and maybe Fleck can fill that role. And of course Alans Dzagoev once the discs in his back are realigned.

With the two strikers, the one on the right has his mentality customised to “normal” and is told not to make forward runs. The idea here is that the strikers will be staggered, the one on the left pushing forward, the one on the right hanging back a little.

Last – and by no means least – I’ve finally found an approach to corners that I like the look of. I used to go with a mix of “aim for near post” and “aim for far post”. But a succession of players have interpreted this as “aim for first defender” and “put it out for goal kick”. The new plan is simply “aim for penalty area”, which sounds obvious but has at least made sure that corners are going into the danger area.

vs Middlesbrough (away)

- – - – - – - – - -Given – - – - – - – - –
Jiranek – Rusol – Coloccini – Enrique
- – - – - – - – Camacho – - – - – - – - – - – -
Marquinhos – - – - – - – - – - Fleck
- – - – - – - – Diego – - – - – - – -
- – - Bendtner – -Lewandowski – - – -

4-1-2-1-2, quick, direct passing, playing offside, with width

As part of my new approach, I’ve become a badass. To liven things up, and maybe motivate the boys a bit. I started by telling Gareth Southgate I was going to wipe the floor with his snoozetastcially mid-table Middlesbrough team.

Arshavin was tired, Jonas suspended for his horror tackle. But there are worse replacements wingers than Marquinhos and Fleck. We played fast and attacking, until John Fleck finally broke the deadlock:

OK, maybe not the prettiest goal you’ve ever seen. But I think it vindicates the direct passing over my previous slow-slow, softly-softly approach.

But wait. It gets better. The Pog is back! After five months out with a torn calf muscle, I put The Pog on the bench. With 15 minutes to go, I brought the big man on. And – almost straight away – he got his giant Russian head to a Mascio (also on as a sub) corner. Welcome back big fella. (Also, nice to see the new appriach to corners paying off straight away).

Results: W 2-0

vs Spurs (away)
Europa League semi-final 2nd leg
(1-1 from first leg)

4-1-2-1-2, quick, direct passing, playing offside, with width

Jonas and Arshavin were available again, but Marq and Fleck were so good last time (especially the young Scot) that they kept their place. Because that’s the sort of team we’re running here people.

And Diego put us ahead after just eight minutes. Again, loving the direct passing. And I know I’m like a proud parent showing off their children’s photos here, but check out the way Bendtner holds back instead of running forward, creatings space for Diego to run into and score:

Which is how Diego got his new nickname: Diegooool!

It wasn’t all plain sailing from there. Spurs were 2-1 up by half-time through Anelka and Corluka.

But three minutes into the second half, Marquinhos squared for Bendtner, and the Pink Boot man came up with yet another clutch goal for me.

The Dane often disappoints. And I’ve already subbed him in frustration more times than I can remember. But he’s already scored enough game winning goals (not least in the Carling Cup Final) to pay for his transfer fee twice over. I might even forgive him for that awkward to spell name.

Result: D 2-2 (3-3 on aggregate) and I’m through on away goals again.

And with that second away goals win in a row, I’m in the Europa League Final. Apparently this is my year for second rate cups.

My opponent: Bayern Munich, who have all the usuals. Luca Toni is in form (22 goals in 35 games) and young Toni Kroos is now grown up (21) and looking dangerous. As for the location, apparently that’s some sort of big secret. Not sure how to win that game if UEFA won’t tell me where it is.

Next up: a trip home to Birmingham City (and a reunion with Javier Saviola) followed by a visit from already relegated QPR. Then Bayern at the mystery location, followed by one final league game away to Everton.

Champions League qualification is still a possibility (I’m five points behind fourth place Man City with three games to go) so here’s to either that or the lifting the Europa League trophy. Maybe both.