Our Name’s On the Cup

By: Daryl | December 7th, 2008

Managing: Newcastle
Date: April 5th, 2009
Progress: 6th in Prem after 31 games (Man City breathing down my neck) and FA Cup semi-final

Apologies for the lack of recent updates, I’ve been on the move. I did manage to play a few matches here and there though, and learned that a lithium-ion battery lasts a surprisingly long time if you’re prepared to turn the contrast on your screen way down and squint at the screen. It also helps if you’re sneaky enough to recharge in a Subway sandwich shop by plugging in next to the soda fountain while no one’s looking.

Places I was brave enough to play: plane, train, automobile.
Place I wasn’t: Greyhound bus.

Before we get on to the mixed news that is match reports, I’ve spotted something to worry about. Newcastle are going bust.

It’s not my fault, I hasten to add. I’ve stayed well under the agreed wage budget by spending £712,130 of the allowed £766,816 per week. And I’ve only spent transfer fees we could afford. And yet somehow Newcastle are now almost £1 million in the hole.

And a closer look suggests it’s all Mike Ashley’s fault. Sort of. He’s no longer at the club, but I believe that £110 million we’re paying back at £1.2 million per month is the money he’s crying into his beer about here. Still, no worries. It’ll be paid off in the year 2020. If man is still alive.

And did you spot how much transfer revenue is available to me? Twenty-five percent. So if I sell Oba Martins for £13m, then I’ll get £3.25m to buy a replacement. So I won’t be doing that.

Anyway, it’s not all bad news.

vs Everton (home) W 3-2 FM is frighteningly realistic. Did you see Everton equalize against Villa today, only to concede again in injury time? Well, that’s what happened here too. I went 2-0 up through an Oba Martins first half double, then James Vaughn and Yakubu pulled it back to 2-2 by the 80th only for The Pog to race onto a Steven Taylor long ball and score a 95th minute winner. All hail The Pog!

vs Aston Villa (away) L 3-0
I was told in the run up to this that Steve Harper finds Oba Martins impossible to work with and that the press thought I should sell one of them. But I don’t see how Oba scoring bags of goals is making it any harder for Steve Harper to sit on the bench and wish he was even half as good as Shay Given. I was also warned that my players we getting cocky, but thought nothing of it. Wish I’d listened now. We were horrendous, conceding in the first minute and then getting caught twice on the counter in a game we should have won. Also: Gabi Agbonlahor = quick.

FA Cup vs Arsenal (home) W 1-0
FA Cup Quarter-final vs the league leaders at St James’ Park. Shots: 4. Shots on target: 1. Goals: 1 (Pogrebnyak). I think our name’s on the cup.

vs Chelsea (home) D1-1 No Belletti (he’s on loan from Chelsea) meant a hole in midfield and Shay Given dropped his first clanger of the season. In the very first minute he came out to claim a long ball and dropped it at Didier Drogba’s feet. 1-0 Chelsea. My midfield’s creative juices weren’t flowing so I took a gamble for the last 20 mins.

Dzagoev and Fenghoui as two centre-mids, both pushing on to attack and both wingers (N’Zogbia and Jonas) pushed all the way. Forward arrows everywhere. My reward was a 75th min Pogrebnyak equalizer that was blatantly offside. I love Premier League referees.

vs Man Utd (away) L 1-4 I told my left back Jose Enrique to mark Cristiano Ronaldo tightly and to close him down like NFL Europe. But apparently Enrique’s English needs some work, because he interpreted those instructions as “in the 27th minute run as far away from Ronaldo as possible and leave him free to score”.

A Bramblesque Coloccini oh gee made it 2-0 and then I subbed Martins off in the 60th because he was having such a bad game (rating was 5.0). But before the ball went out of play for the substitution, Martins beat three players and scored leaving me looking like an idiot because subs are irreversible. Man Utd went on to score two more. Questions were asked about Given in the post-match press conference but I stood by my man.

vs Portsmouth (home) W 2-0 Definitely time to bounce back. Sticking with The Pog and Martins up top, Jonas and N’Zogbia out wide (Leonardo’s injury prone and Fleck is inconsistent) and Belletti as my d-mid. Guthrie has gone off the boil as my other centre-mid, so time to give Russian superchav Alan Dzagoev a second chance. He didn’t disappoint, threading a pass through for Oba to make it 1-0, with The Pog adding number two to make sure.

So… sixth in the Prem with seven games to go (though Man City are two points behind with one game in hand) and an FA Cup semi vs Chelsea to look forward to. Seems I’m doing better than Keegan or Kinnear, since relegation is now impossible. The plan now is to qualify for Europe one way or another (sixth place should do it, but an FA Cup win would be better) and guarantee my job long enough to strengthen things in the summer.